Today I want to talk about something I heard and learned that profoundly moved me and that simple phrase was “You are not your results." I remember thinking – YES I AM! How many of you think the same thing? My results define what I’ve done, what I’ve accomplished, who I am. And if my results are not that, then what are they?
How many of you have struggled with not feeling enough? So many of us struggle with this internally – Why? The world we live in today is results-oriented and we are either rewarded or punished based on our outcomes or results. Rewards come in the form of praise, money, admiration, love, to name a few. And punishment comes in the form of judgement, isolation, rejection, ridicule, etc. How many of you growing up received a reward for good grades? We learned very young that rewards come with results – big ones. So we become accustomed to striving for large accomplishments and always over giving in hopes of being recognized, seen, etc. How many of you can relate and call yourselves a high achiever?
Working hard does not always mean success. I busted my ass building my business and didn’t make money for a while. And other times I busted my ass in corporate America and didn’t close the business which my management team saw as a failure. So what do we assume? Our results are the proof. We lose weight when we work out and eat healthy. We sell more, we make more money for ourselves and our managers. The hard work we put in confirms that it was for not. After all we invested a lot in the outcome, right?
But that is not who we are. The weight can come back on because we slack in our exercise and/or diet. A client can exercise their cancellation clause. When we base our identity on our results we are limiting what we are capable of. We don’t exercise to lose weight – we do it to feel good. We build businesses to change lives, make an impact, solve a problem. To make ourselves and others FEEL something. If we base our worth on the results of our marriage, for example, does that mean we are not worth of being married or loved again? We think so but the answer is NO!
We have to uncouple our worth from the outcome and let it go otherwise we create a cycle of feeling like we need to be more, do more, achieve more, work more, etc. See where I am going with this? And we continue to bust our asses and work harder because we WILL be greater than our results. We are greater than our failed marriage, the body we’ve sculpted, the work bonus I received. Your results are not good or bad, right or wrong – they are neutral. And we are greater than our results. We get to start separating ourselves from what happens TO us.
Smart, intelligent, hard workers get laid off. Amazing people like you and me get divorced and we get cheated on. Being a good person does not mean only good things happen to you. What is important to develop is objectivity and the art of stepping back, taking a breath and observe as an outsider. What would you say to a friend in your position? Isn’t it interesting how when it isn’t happening to us we can be detached and positive. And when it happens to us we become judgmental and berate ourselves. And we do so endlessly and repeatedly. We forget that we, too, are human like the rest of the world and we all make mistakes. And have successes. And we all have 20/20 vision when we look to the past. So why keep looking?
Use the information you have along with the tools you’ve been given to work with and shift your mind. Pay attention to the negative self-talk and storytelling. The story isn’t completely true and we limit ourselves when we think this way. Let go of who you think you are and LOVE who you are. You only know what you know today and there is so much more to learn and discover and live including understanding why your divorce happened FOR YOU not TO YOU.
Keep the forward momentum moving with as much strength as you can – it’s enough as are you. All you can truly measure yourself again is the effort you put in and if that is enough, more than enough, YOU are enough.
How many of you play the comparison game? Please stop. Stop comparing yourself to the person you wish you could be, to other couples/families and what you think they have because of what you see on social media. I know many of you are on a ride you did not ask to get on or it’s different than what you anticipated. You are on it, so you have two choices. You can try to get off it even though you are locked in OR you can choose to raise your hands in the air, surrender and trust you will make it across the finish line in one piece.
That choice is yours. What do you choose?
You are NOT your results.
But you are the effort you put in and that is enough!